It has been confirmed that polar bears have finally become extinct — at least for the duration of the Summer Session. In spite of recent uproar on the cancellation of the Polar Bear swims for the rest of the session, one question seems to be raising eyebrows:

If the Polar Bear swims were cancelled because of an understaffing by lifeguards, then how was the previous swim we did able to go on? Somebody call Campus Safety, we’ve got some rebels in here.

Maybe, but it benefits us either way. I mean, how devastating that we won’t be waking up at five in the morning to soak our bodies in absurdly cold 60-degree water, right? Besides, the Atlantic Ocean is packed with big strong sharks that could rescue us. And aside from frostbite, Polar Bear swims mean even fewer hours of sleep for us! How fun! Who are we kidding? As we know from last issue’s article on the rule, we’re not fooling anyone with the “lights out at 11” curfew (cough Wentworth).

In all seriousness, it really is to our benefit that the Polar Bear excursions are now canceled, and for many reasons. One, no lawsuits. Two, everyone is safe and sound. Three, fewer lifeguards means fewer faculty members the school has to pay, which means –you guessed it–more money for ice cream at lunch! Yay! Kidding. But most important of all, at the end of the day, all of our members of the Summer School family will be together, even if it means sacrificing a short swim at the ocean.

Mistakes happen, and all that can be done now is that the school takes more precautions. Life isn’t guaranteed, you know, and tragedies don’t knock on your door to inform you they’re about to strike. Losing the opportunity of a free swim at the ocean is surely sad, but losing a member of our Summer School family would be the greatest catastrophe our school could possibly mourn. Having free swims is great, but having a big loving family of 800 kids (and like two lifeguards) is the icing on the big tender figurative cake that we call Summer School.